So what should everyone do? According to AA, they should admit they are powerless and turn their will and their lives over to God. And according to AA, “God” can mean anything you want, but eventually you will find it means the rehab industry where you can pay $1000/day to hear that you are insane, selfish, defective, and dishonest again. And if that doesn’t help you, according to AA, you can do it again until you come to believe, or get it through your thick skull, that rehab saved your life and tell everyone else they need rehab too.

According to AA, you’re also an alcoholic if you know an alcoholic. And if you can’t convince them of that, according to the 12-step cult, you can ask them if they ever gambled too much or thought about sex a lot, or had emotional issues, or don’t earn enough, or work too much, to convince them they need some serious help.